Yes, I Can be Indecisive.

Picture from http://www.idyablog.com/79/home-improvement-crisis-looming/home-sweet-home-4

Home By Chris Daughtry (click link)

Man, I have made some pretty stupid decisions, and some good ones; like my last one for example. I know some of you goddamn critics will think “He’s right where he started and did not make any progress,” just because I came back home. While some of you will look at my round about decision that way, I happen to see it differently and of course my way is better. So yeah my few plans of instantly moving out west and getting jobs, getting married, being a deaf man, and having a farm and kids doesn't exactly seem so realistic now that I am out of those heated moments. I tell ya though, I would have gone through with it if it weren't for old Phoebe over here; she tends to save my ass quite often. I couldn't resist her being mad at me and lying to her and telling her to shut up, but she dealt it right back though and that’s what I like in her – she can stand up for herself.  She ultimately made my decision for me, I couldn't let her down and more importantly, I want to go home…I mean I know I will have to deal with the wrath of my father but I did it to myself; not that I care about school anyways but you know. I have a feeling that my decision to go back home and kind of start fresh will be a smart move to make, even though it will be tough at first, but I will feel better; both mentally and physically. I know I said I wouldn't go back home, and I know I changed my mind, and I know I have made fun of those kinds of people in the past, but something just got me thinking, it wasn't only old Phoebe.  She was definitely a part of my decision, I don’t know exactly what it was that pushed my decision, but I am feeling different and happy – something I haven’t felt in a while. My plan is to go home and start off with telling my parents the truth, and I will go from there, I will challenge myself to do something different with my life and become successful and not a drunk; I will make an oath. Cheers to a hopeful fresh start!

My Sister is my Best Friend

Picture from: http://www.myspace.com/lovemalife

I know that I have talked a lot about Phoebe lately but I can’t help it, she is my best friend. Not in a creepy perv way, I mean that she is the closest friend that I have. Honestly, I know that she is my sister and all, but after that night of meeting up with her and telling her everything and how I felt and seeing her just be there for me was something I haven’t had in a long time. She even gave me her Christmas money to borrow so I would have money…that’s crazy and I am so grateful for her. Only a best friend would do that for you, and cover your goddamn ass if you were just about to get caught by your parents. So I decided to write a little poem about her, yeah a poem. I know I am not the most creative kid around but I can be pretty maudlin when I want to. Take a look:

Be yourselves

Encourage one another’s dreams

Stand by each other

Tell everything like it is

Forever be loyal

Remember the good times

Inspire bravery

Every day be thankful for having someone to rely on

Never give up on one another

Don’t take each other for granted 

True Friend (click on this)

Reunited Siblings

I can’t believe my luck when going home tonight…I was able to get up to my apartment, see Phoebe, and my parents were not even home yet! I mean I guess it shouldn’t have been a good thing that I was actually home yet, but in my opinion it worked well. It felt really good to be home actually, and that smell of my house when I walked in made me realize I was actually home – and I wasn’t even drunk anymore so this was all real too. Anyways, when I went into D.B’s room and saw Phoebe sleeping, she really looked peaceful and innocent; she has that appearance. Reading all of her little school books and remembering how she is, really brought me relief and comfort in a way…is that weird? I couldn’t wait any longer so I had to wake her up and oh my when she did, she was so excited to see me and I felt so loved! Her little eyes widened and her voice got all high, like you see little girls get when they go to a toy store or something. I mean I know she can get annoying with her constant talking and everything but she is a really good listener. But what really got me, was how she knew right off the bat and could tell from being so smart, that I uh…got kicked out of Pencey. It happens. I couldn’t stand it there anyways, everyone was so arrogant. But I mean I just ranted on and on about the school to her about how there was not one thing that I liked about it, and she seemed like she could understand, even though it wasn’t the right thing. Do you really think my dad will care? She seemed to think so, and she kept saying it too. But in all honesty, it wasn’t the place for me…neither were any of the other schools. But Phoebe just sat there and listened to me, and we are not that close in years either, so it was nice to have someone to talk to about how I felt, I love having her as my sister.

I Can Explain...

Picture from: http://www.krittercards.com/apology/sorry2.htm

Okay, here it goes...

*dials number*

Rings*

*no answer*

Rings*

*no answer*

Holden: goddamn pick up or else ill hang u— (Sally picks up)

Sally: Hello?

Holden: Sally, is this you?

Sally…yes Holden.

Holden: Do you have a few minutes to talk? I would like to say something.

Sally: Um, make it quick.

Holden: Okay for chrissakes give me a chance. So I have thought a lot about what happened yesterday during the day with you and also what happened at night. I usually don’t go around calling people to apologize but for you it’s different.

Sally: Okay…

Holden: *sighs* Look Sally, as much as you probably hate my goddamn guts right now, I am truly sorry for my actions yesterday. I should not have called you a pain in the ass and I am sorry. It was rude of me, and should have expressed my annoyance in some other way. I did have a nice day with you, especially ice skating and in the car….i just did not like it when you were talking to that guy during and after the show. I get it, I’m not the best person to take to a show like that and he was nice to talk to but it kinda pissed me off, yeah it did.

Sally: Holde-

Holden: Sally, let me finish. In addition, I would like to also apologize for putting the idea of running away together so fast on you, I just get these madman ideas in my head and they have to happen no matter what, and by the way when I asked you that I was being serious and it was in the moment. I realized I am just a very lonely and depressed kid and I need someone to be there for me instead of pushing everyone away. And I feel that’s why I called you last night, because I knew deep down I could trust you, I did not do it to be spiteful. Please accept my apology Sally, I am just a madman.

Sally: Wow Holden, I really don’t know what to say other than I appreciate your phone call and apology. And I have to be honest; you really did scare me yesterday when you shoved the idea of running away at me, and more importantly calling me a pain in the ass. I did not appreciate that at all. I feel bad for you Holden, I do. However, I don’t think that by us being together will make things better. I think you need you find out what it is exactly what you want and to move forward in life.

Holden: I know what I want in life for chrissake, just like everyone else does!

Sally: Do not get loud with me Holden. Look, I accept your apology and feel that it is best for us to stay as friends and nothing more because I cannot deal with this. I am sorry. I have things going on right now and I cannot be worried about you and your madness all the time, Holden.

Holden: I see. Well I’m not going to beg you for anything because there is a lot to do and see in life and if you are not one of those people to stop and look, then that’s fine. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for my actions and I don’t plan on things happening between us like they did yesterday.

Sally: I understand. Thank you for calling Holden, it was appreciated. I need to go now, so I will see you around. Goodbye Holden. I am sorry too.

Holden: But Sa-

*Phone clicks.*

Holden: Goddamnit Sally! Why the hell did you hang up on me? OH WELL. BYE. 

Growing Up - Changes

 While walking around downtown New York today while trying to find Phoebe, I came to a conclusion. Growing up and being in environments that I don’t necessarily want to be in, is hard. Pencey was nice and all, but it wasn’t a school where I wanted to be or felt I belonged in. I have realized I miss the days where Phoebe and I would go to that museum and look at all of the frozen exhibits together, those were times where I could be myself and not worries, I was just being a kid. When I went to the museum today, I realized that the museum itself didn’t change, I had. Another thing, I remember always playing around with a skateboard and enjoying that little bit of freedom I had, and helping that girl with the skateboard brought back memories and I realized I would never forget how to tighten the wheels. Everything seemed simpler during the years of childhood, not a worry, not a responsibility. Now I deal with stuck up people, being depressed, and insecurities. If I had been a kid and I went down to that playground before with those kids on the seesaw, they would have accepted me to play and watch them, but seeing as now I am grown up and not one of them, I’m not accepted to play. Where do I fit it? Why didn’t Phoebe show up for me? Can I go back to those days when I would play checkers with Jane and not have a worry in the world? Growing up is tough, and I am not sure that I like it very much right now; I just want things to get better and to be happy.   

(picture from http://ambertriniere.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/growing-up/ )

Hold My Hand

I don’t know why, but I cannot stop thinking about her.  I mean, I know she has probably forgotten about me and dated guys but I just can’t get her off of my mind. Do I love her? No, but she is the first girl I have had serious feelings for her. That’s probably why when Stradlater came home that night after his date with her, I had mixed feelings of jealousy, annoyance, and curiosity. I couldn’t help myself after he made that crude comment about him and her in his truck…it really got to me. I wish I could see her and talk to her like we used to do when I lived right next door to her. How I’d love to be holding her hand right about now too, while playing a game of checkers and watching her keep all of her kings in the back row. I can’t quite figure out why I am so depressed more than ever all of a sudden,  one would think that after getting all of this freedom from escaping school, I would be living the life and seeing girls, but  it is just the opposite. Maybe I secretly am missing Jane more than I think I do, maybe I am trying to run away from my problems and avoiding the situation with Stradlater because I am sure he would take her out again, and of course rub it in my face one way or another. Whatever, I’m just trying to be happy and wishing I could be with here again, holding her hand because when I was holding her little hand, all you knew was, you were happy. You really were. 

Picture from: http://franklove.net/

Hold My Hand (click on this)

  

Should I Be More Mature?

Okay, I have a question. What is the average maturity level for a boy my age? I’m pretty mature, right? I mean…I know I can not exactly keep my mouth shut all the time, or resist from antagonizing friends, or lying about myself, or cursing but isn’t that normal? I simply am just trying to have fun and make the best out of the situations I get myself into. For instance, that whole incident on the train with Ernest Morrow’s mother, did anybody really expect me to tell the mother of a jerk face moron at my “school” of how he really is? No way man, I took the opportunity to put a spin on the truth to make it more interesting. Plus the fact that I told her my name was Rudolph Schmidt, the school janitor that way when she passes that valuable information onto her precious son, he will be quite a confused kid. Now don’t get me wrong here, I was just trying to have a little fun, nothing to hurt the kid of course. Anyways, if you’re wondering if I really felt it was necessary to yell, “Sleep tight, ya morons!” in the middle of the night, the answer is yes of course; it was my final way of saying goodbye to everyone. And one last thing, the whole “lying” business with that chick Faith Cavendish was just a way for me to have a little fun with a girl, I was in desperate need. I just hope she doesn’t go back and say something to that kid she used to see…oh well, what do I care anyways, right? 

I Remember the Mitt

Picture from:
http://www.easyvectors.com/browse/other/baseball-glove-clip-art 

Some people don’t like things that remind them of the death of close friend or family member, however, I feel differently. Allie’s left handed baseball mitt reminds me so much of him and the kind of person he was. He was very intelligent yet athletic at the same time; some people think that those two combinations aren’t possible (kind of like my “pal” Stradlater). Allie wrote poems in green ink all over that mitt and it was one of those special things that you remember about a person and how they acted.  Allie was also a genuinely nice boy all the time and I wondered how a person could have such a trait – one that I envied though. I miss him terribly, I remember a few summers ago seeing Allie watching me from outside the fence as I played golf and you never missed him with that red hair of course. His hair wasn’t like the usual red hair, it didn’t give Allie all of the traits that you would think red hair would give someone; he was different.  Getting back to the mitt, when Stradlater told me to write about something disruptive, Allie and his mitt automatically popped into my head and I felt that I could write effectively on that topic because I feel proud of him. I remember the mitt. Please reference the link above in the video bar, and watch the video called "How its Made" and see how a baseball glove is made, hopefully you can connect like I can.